viii.
Enter Alex and Dexter
Jake – Hey guys, long time no see! What are you doing he—wait, you guys know each other?
Dexter – Oh. Yeah, we go way back.
Jake – Really? I had no idea.
Alex – Yeah, well small world.
Jake – I’ll say. So what’s going on?
Dexter – Well, funny you ask, Jake.
Alex – Maybe you should sit down.
Jake – What is it?
Dexter – We, uh, have to tell you something.
Jake – Ok.
Alex – I’m not quite sure how to explain this, because it’s kind of—
Dexter – Complicated.
Alex – Right.
Jake – Ok…Well?
Dexter – It’s actually pretty funny.
Alex – (to Dexter) Well, maybe to us. But it won’t be to him.
Dexter – Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Jake – Are you going to tell me or what?
Alex – Jake—(deep breath) Jake, we’ve been meeting.
Jake – Who? Meeting about what?
Alex – Us.
Dexter – About you.
Jake – I don’t understand. You’re not making any sense.
Alex – Jake, let’s face it. You’re a disaster.
Jake – What?
Dexter – You expect too much.
Alex – You’re too demanding.
Jake – What are you talking about?
Alex – (shrugs shoulders) Uh, how do I say this.
Dexter – The paper.
Alex – Oh yeah! (takes out sheet of crumpled paper from his pocket and starts to read) Let’s see…“you’re self-centered, oversensitive, and unreasonable.”
Jake – What are you saying? What are you reading?
Dexter – Jake, we’ve been meeting.
Jake – Guys—
Alex – Thursday nights.
Jake – (agitatedly confused) What? Who?
Alex – Well, a bunch of people.
Dexter – Who all know you.
Jake – What’re you meeting about?
Alex – Well, lots of things, really.
Jake – Alex—
Dexter – Uh, you, mainly. We meet to talk about you.
Jake – What do you mean you meet to talk about me?
Alex – Uh, well, every Thursday, we get together and talk about you.
Dexter – Behind your back.
Jake – Guys, this isn’t funny. Cut the fucking bullshit.
Alex – Yeah, your analyst said you might react like this.
Dexter – Oh yeah, that’s right! He’s good.
Jake – My analyst?
Alex – Yeah. Theodore comes, too.
Dexter – To our meetings.
Alex – He warned us about your irrational temper.
Jake – My irrational temper? What the fuck are you doing meeting with my analyst?
Dexter – Renee invited him to come.
Alex – To our meetings.
Jake – Renee? My ex-girlfriend, Renee?
Dexter – Yeah, that’s the one.
Jake – Ren—Renee is meeting with my analyst?
Alex – Well, we’re all meeting. Not just Renee and Theodore.
Jake – Who else?!
Alex – Lots of people.
Dexter – Lisa, for instance.
Jake – My girlfriend??
Alex – Yeah. She and Renee get along great.
Jake – What the fuck is going on?
Alex – Oh, right. I knew this was going to difficult.
Dexter – It’s complicated.
Alex – Right.
Jake – What are these meetings?
Alex – Ok, let’s try this again.
Dexter – Just stick to the paper.
Alex – Right. So basically (reading again from crumpled paper) “we feel that you are self-absorbed and have too grandiose a sense of self-importance.”
Jake – No I don’t!—what are you reading?
Dexter – Oh, those are just some notes.
Alex – So we remember what we’re supposed to tell you.
Jake – What you’re supposed to tell me?
Dexter – On the group’s behalf.
Jake – What group?!?
Alex – Aren’t you paying attention?
Dexter – Listen up, Jake, this is important.
Alex – Yeah. (continues reading) “You also seem to believe that you are ‘special’
and unique, and can only be understood by other ‘special’ or high-status people.”
Jake – What are these meetings about!?
Dexter – Well, basically we meet to talk about you.
Jake – Behind my back, yes, you said that. But why??
Alex – Well, basically we’re sick of your shit.
Jake – What shit?
Alex – (reading again) Uh, “you frequently show arrogant, haughty behavior and attitudes and are often envious of others or think they are envious of you. ”
Jake – That’s not tru—would you stop reading!?!
Alex – I just want to get it right.
Dexter – We spent the entire meeting last time making sure we got this worded right.
Jake tears the paper out of Alex’s hand.
Jake – Without reading from this goddamned paper, tell me what these meetings are about!
Alex – (agitated) See, this is exactly what we mean. Every month we consider disbanding, but every month you justify our meetings with your continued—
Dexter – Pomposity and self-importance.
Alex – Exactly!
Jake – Every month? How long have you been meeting?
Alex – (counting on his fingers, then looking up at Dexter) About 4 years now?
Dexter – Yeah, it’ll be 4 years in March.
Jake – What have you been doing for 4 years!?
Alex – Well, basically, we devise strategies.
Jake – Strategies?
Dexter – Ways to keep you mired in perpetual uncertainty.
Jake – I don’t believe this.
Dexter – Well, it’s true.
Alex – We all conspire to keep you frustrated and discontent.
Jake – You guys are full of shit.
Dexter – You know how Lisa keeps refusing to, you know—
Jake – That’s none of your goddamned—
Alex – You’re wondering does she not love you enough? Is she not attracted to you? Is she justified in needing more time?
Jake – Alex, I’m warning you—
Dexter – Well, none of that’s really the issue.
Alex – We all decided that she should keep saying no just to play on your insecurities.
Dexter – But take my word for it, she’s dynamite!
Alex – Oh yeah.
Jake – What?! Fuck you!
Dexter – And remember how no one invited you to the Super Bowl party at Ken’s house?
Jake – Get the fuck out of here!
Alex – Were we mad at you for something? Did we not want you there? Are we really even your friends?
Jake does not respond.
Dexter – All part of the plan.
Jake – What plan?!
Alex – We’ve made a pledge, Jake.
Dexter – We’re neither going to love you as much as you’d like nor cut you adrift.
Jake – Wh—why!?
Alex – The truth is, nobody really likes you.
Dexter – Especially me. I hate you.
--
Excerpt from 'paranoia,' a one act play originally written in March 2001.
